Hi, Sixers. This is a continuation of last week’s snippet from the third book of my trilogy in progress, working title War’s End. Coralie, her baby in her arms, has just ended her uncontrolled tumble though somewhere.
The trilogy is in what I’d call polished draft format. I need beta readers desperately, so e-mail me or leave a comment if you’d be interested in reading the whole trilogy. The individual books end on cliff-hangers (that sort of trilogy) so ideally they should be read together–but I should warn you the whole trilogy runs to about 400,000 words.
Somehow she managed to wiggle onto her back, where she could check Michelle [the baby].
The baby was wailing indignantly but so far as Coralie could tell, unhurt. Was that overwhelming sense of hunger Coralie felt Michelle’s? She offered her breast, and Michelle latched on greedily, her outrage forgotten in the pleasure of suckling.
Coralie’s vision was clearing now, and she looked up. What she saw made no sense at first–a broken radial pattern of grays and browns of various shades, against a silver-spangled background of more shades of green than she had ever seen before.
Where is she? She’s supposed to be on a spaceship!
P.S. Other sixers: I don’t know what’s happening, but a lot of my comments on others’ posts aren’t showing up and are giving no moderation notice. At least one went to a spam folder, so check yours.
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What a great six! Where indeed? Can’t wait to read more hopefully we find out?
If I ever get it published!
Sounds like an interesting read. Wish I had time to be a Beta reader. I would suggest you remove a few “was” instances. Example: The baby was wailing, could be “The baby wailed”…and Coralie’s vision was clearning, could be “Coralie’s vision cleared…” Removing”was” in some cases makes the scenes feel more instant than “telling” what happened. I’m trying to notice these issues in my own writing and thought I’d share.
Has usage changed since I grew up? (quite possible.) The “was” form was intended to indicate ongoing action. “The baby wailed” to me means the baby wailed once and shut up. Likewise “vision cleared” would be a single abrupt clearing, “was clearing” is a gradual process, still ongoing. Her vision still isn’t completely clear, but it is improving with time. And the baby cries until Caralie gets her nursing.
Nice juxtaposition between the baby feeding and Coralie’s confusion about what’s happened May I suggest making some of the verbs more active? Instead of “was wailing”, the baby “wailed.” And “was clearing” , Her vision “cleared”. To me, it makes the scene more immediate. Even without any changes, this is a interesting and I look forward to more!
So how do you indicate continuing action today?
That pattern sounds kind of like inter-galactic Army fatigues to me. I hope she and Michelle have ended up someplace safe.
Ah, but she’s looking straight up. And there’s a reason for camouflage colors.
I’m the worst editor, it’s not my forte. Especially with my own writing. Yikes! I have to enlist an army of people to read my stuff. Focus on plot and characters, and then worry about the editing later on with a professional! I love your use of colors to describe the background.
I’ve always loved C.S. Lewis’s description ff the first sight of Mars in Out of the Silent Planet. “You cannot see something until you know what it is,” or something like that.
I like the sweet touches with the baby, against the backdrop of SF action and intrigue. Hope they’ll be ok! Another excellent excerpt!
The baby’s an important part of the story.
I love the contrast with the nursing. A sweet moment in the chaos.
Well, the baby’s hungry. And since she’s been breast feeding, she doesn’t have formula with her.
Very intriguing six! I can’t imagine where she is! And that she has the added worry of keeping her child safe ups the emotional ante!
As of right now, she can’t imagine where she is.
Wow, on her back looking up into the canopy of a forest? That’s a bit of a jump from outer space. This is the first story I’ve seen with a woman in peril and trying to cope with breast-feeding at the same time. 😀
And diapers.
Interesting synergy between Mom and baby. Excellent description from her confused perspective.
Confused is right! Glad that came across.
Poor Michelle! Glad she’s ok. Mom doesn’t seem quite so happy though.
Mom’s still trying to figure out what happened.
Great six! Very intrigued about where they are 😀
I may stick with this for a few weeks. Think I have enough for June, anyway.
Intriguing six! So many questions. Where are they? What is her telepathic connection to the baby?
The telepathic connection was talked about earlier in the book. The rest is supposed to be intriguing. Tune in next week!
Great six, Sue Ann. I liked her slowly gathering understanding as she relaxes into a familiar activity.
Yes, the baby is her comfort as well as her greatest worry.