Six sentences from Rescue Operation, following directly from the six I had last week.
But he had another heritage as well, one that he was even less comfortable with. His father had left him in charge of the Inner Council of R’il’noids that effectively ruled the Confederation. Not the planets that made up the Confederation; in fact he as the regent of the Confederation had no voice at all in the laws of Central, where the Councils met and he lived. Now and then Council duties included fieldwork when the specialties of individual Council members were needed, and in truth he’d been eager to get away when the government of a distant planet thought (wrongly) that others were making it the target of biological warfare. Wif, the other medical expert, had already been away from Central, and Derry’s specialty of xenotelepathy and Kaia’s of communications had been needed in the field while Roi was gone, leaving Roi’s older brother Zhaim in charge without the steadying influence of the other two.
Roi had never expected a disaster like this.
Again, I know this is more telling than showing, and this, with the last week, makes up a section separated from the action. Suggestions for improvements are welcome!
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Other than taking out some of the ‘hads’ to put it in present tense and make it more active, I think it reads great! The story sounds really good!
These two paragraphs are surrounded by a past-tense storyline, and refer to a period before the storyline started. Maybe I leaned my grammar too long ago (mid-60’s) but doesn’t that take past perfect? At any rate he’s not eager to go in story time–he’s learned that much from his experience!
Then it’s absolutely perfect, Sueann! Go with it 🙂
As a newcomer to your story, I found the narrative a little confusing and noticed I was skimming through. With these six-sentence snippets it’s hard to get the full context, and I’m sure with previous and subsequent sections it’s fine. If you can find a way to add a little action to make this information a bit more appealing it would be great 🙂
This is the second and final paragraph of a very short bit of explanation put in between two much more active segments that (I hope) leave the reader wanting to know more about Roi. I agree it is boring out of context, but this is information that the reader should want at this point.
Glad to see you here this week! It is a challenge for a character to have two heritages to honor, thought you conveyed the angst of that well.
If it’s info that needs to be given for the next scene to make sense, then it should be fine. Is it in the first chapter though? If so, it might be too many names to keep up with in the beginning…
It’s in the middle of the first chapter, and all the names are people who have been mentioned earlier in the chapter. The information is crucial to the whole book, and sets up the problem dealt with throughout the trilogy.
Cool! Then you should be good since those names are already familiar 🙂 Sounds like an intriguing story!
You might consider breaking it up with dialogue – maybe he’s telling someone about all this. It does feel somewhat of an info dump, though it’s all interesting stuff! And the last line’s the clincher. Great hook
Telling wouldn’t work–this is information known to all of the other characters. The scene just before these two paragraphs is heavy on dialogue, and so is the scene after–this is information the reader needs but all of the characters know.
Sueann, Cate has a good idea. Even if he’s not in conversation with someone else, he might make a comment out loud to himself about one or more elements of this paragraph? Just a thought. Sometimes, with world building you just have to tell it and if it’s short and necessary, I wouldn’t worry too much unless there’s a huge slow down in the rhythm as you read the sections together as one narrative.
Also, are the names mentioned here explained elsewhere? If not, then this could be a bit confusing to the reader. All in all though, I definitely think you’re on the right track.
“Not the planets that made up the Confederation, he grumbled to himself. In fact he as the regent of the Confederation had no voice at all in the laws of Central, where the Councils met and he lived.” Might that work better?
This seems to be a thick, multi-layered plot. I’m impressed with the scope of the story!
It’s difficult to pick six sentences each week that are exciting, especially if you’re trying to piece the story together for us to follow. With that in mind, you have done a great job!
It is a little dense, which is tough when it’s necessary exposition. My only suggestion to be, if you think it’s too much where it’s placed in the story (considering what you’ve said about the scenes before and after, I could make guesses, but you’re the one best acquainted it), would be to break it up into less complex sentence structures. But again, I think that’s your call, since familiarity with it as a whole is your strength.