This is telling, not showing–I know it, but this and next week’s snippet are information the reader needs to have. Any suggestions for livening it up are welcome!
By choice, Roi was an esper Healer, an artist and devoted to his family. The Healing talent was a legacy from his R’il’nian father, the last survivor of the now-extinct R’il’nai. His creativity was a gift from the Human mother he could barely remember. His love for children and other small, helpless things might have come from his mother as well, though he thought it just as likely to have been learned from Marna, the R’il’nian stepmother who had taught him to use the Healing ability he’d been born with. His birth mother had also given him a gene that was far too dangerous to be passed on–on that, he agreed with the Genetics Board. Luckily Wif had been born before the problem was recognized and was not even a carrier, but Roi had no other children of his own.
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I don’t think it reads too bad, Sue Ann! I like it 🙂
Enjoyed it! As long as this isn’t in the first 30 pages or so…
Sometimes, when dealing with world-building (and this reads as much world-building as it does character backstory) you just have to go with it. It is a lot of information (granted we are dealing with SSS – lol ) comprised into a short spat. As such, I might even be tempted to spread it out a little. Actually add in some info by breaking up the recitation with his feelings on the matter. Show some emotion, or even add in some scenes in reflection–him standing before the Genetics Board, for instance, and getting their verdict. Just some ideas to bat around.
The genetics problem actually refers back to the first two books of the series, Homecoming and Tourist Trap. (Still puffed up–and very busy–from getting best fiction book of the year on Tourist Trap!)
A lot of very interesting information to be dealing with, however. Wasn’t bored reading thru it, would definitely keep reading!
“By choice, Roi had become an esper Healer and an artist, completely devoted to his family. The Healing talent was a legacy from his R’il’nian father, a people now-extinct, but his creativity was a gift from the Human mother he could barely remember. He’d inherited a gene from her that was far too dangerous to be passed on–on that, he agreed with the Genetics Board.
Marna, the R’il’nian stepmother who had taught him to use his Healing ability, had also taught him compassion and respect of those less fortunate. [And how to hide his heritage.] Luckily Wif [his son] had been born before the problem was recognized and was not a carrier, but Roi had no other children of his own.”
I took out some of the “was” and combined some of the sentences to have it be more storytelling rather than just a data dump. You introduce several characters here and if they really aren’t important to the rest of the story, lose them. Will Marna come up again? Will Wif? If so keep them. If not, don’t even name them. You can also bring this info out in dialog or make it pertinent to the action happening at the moment. Is he helping children or healing someone? That will make it less telling and more action-oriented.
Marna is important, even though now deceased, and Wif is definitely a character–he’s already been mentioned as one of Roi’s strongest supporters. And Roi is not hiding his heritage at this point–that was only in his very early childhood (told of in Homecoming) before he met Marna. Marna is gone, but she will be mentioned a lot–in fact her daughter comes into the trilogy in an important way, but not until the second volume. A large part of Rescue Operation will be Roi’s attempt to salve his conscience over the war by rescuing enslaved children, but I wanted to establish his character early.
This reads quite beautifully and gives an idea to the backstory and some of the world surrounding this character.
Just curious, what is this #sixsunday about? I’m a total newb when it comes to the various writer groups and such.
#sixsunday is the hashtag for 100+ authors who share six sentences from their writing on their blogs each Sunday. Click the logo for more information. Works shared may be anything from published books to first drafts, and authors range from best-sellers to unpublished.
Oh cool! I’ll have to check this out.
I thought this to be so sad! I can’t imagine not being able to have kids due to a “what if” situation like this. I know it’s true for one reason or another for a great many people, but I really feel for your character here.
Good introduction to the character for those who have not read the previous books.
Sometimes we don’t have a choice but to tell the backstory. The trick is to do it in palatable snippets as to not overwhelm or bore the reader. I think this works. 🙂
Narrative summary is fine, actually, when it bridges from one scene to the next, or sets the stage. It’s not absolutely to be avoided–only less fashionable than it was, say, in the time of Henry James. And what we learn, of course, is fascinating. I can’t resist the tour of another world, and this short excerpt introduces all sorts of dramatic conflict.
I wasn’t put off by the backstory as it all seemed pertinent and helpful. When there is no much we don’t need to know, then it becomes boring and I start to question why the author bothered to add the info. I learned from my editors to try to pepper things like this into the story in small bits.