It’s Sunday again, and I’m still posting consecutive bits from the second chapter of Rescue Operation (working title.) Tod’s the youngest of a group of teenaged “freedom fighters” who’ve been captured by slavers. To look at previous snippets, go to the index page (at the top) and click on “Six Sentence Sunday.” There you will find all of my SSS posts, listed by date and source.
Then [Tod] pricked up his ears as the conversation turned to getting them all into the transport.
Tod had hoped their captors would unfasten their shackles or at least release them from the cable, but it sounded like they planned to winch the whole cable into the transport. The slavers’ concern was strictly over whether they’d all fit. “We could take the girl in the flyer,” one of the men suggested, and Tod was instantly alert. The best route to the flyer passed close to the cable, and yes, one of the smaller men was unfastening Tammy’s shackles from the cable and using a shoulder hold to push her along the cable toward Tod.
Tod shifted from side to side, trying to get slack in the cable.
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Very interesting. I’m a sticker for word echoes, and I realized you used “cable” six times in six sentences. That distracts me, but I’m drawn to your story and want to see more.
Thanks–I’ll see if I can reword that.
I love this story and enjoy it immensely every week. Thank you!
Very intriguing!
I can’t help the double-image of real-life slavers… which means you did your job here with making it vivid.
I really like Tod, he’s definitely a hero!
It’s interesting to watch the story unfold and try to guess what happens next. Terrific snippet!
Uh oh, this doesn’t bode well for Tammy. Great teaser
Love reading your six every week! Thanks so much for sharing!
Ha! Six Sentence Sunday sounds interesting, I’ll be sure to check that out! Keep writing….
Sue Anne, I find your story an intriguing concept with a great deal of potential, but I don’t feel a part of it. There’s very little emotion and you use “was” often. Was is a telling verb, not a showing verb.
“The slavers’ concern was strictly over whether they’d all fit. “We could take the girl in the flyer,” one of the men suggested, and Tod was instantly alert”
You could rewrite this as “The slavers only seemed concerned with capacity.
“We could take the girl in the flyer,” one scarred man suggested.
Tod stiffened and tilted his head to listen better.”
This gives us insight into what Tod is feeling, gives us a description of a slaver, and still illustrates the problem. Try showing us more with the use of Tod’s five senses and it will really ramp up the tension.
Siobhan
Thanks; I am revising now and that’s a helpful suggestion. I don’t agree with “scarred,” though. Part of the horror is that the slavers (who are legal on a technicality) look very ordinary. The woman operating the control collars, for instance, looks downright bored. As far as they’re concerned, it’s just a job.
Great tension! Can’t wait to read more!